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•The Danger is Real and Will Escalate
If you have a controlling partner, don't ignore these behaviors. They are not the result of stress, anger, drugs or alcohol. They are learned behaviors that one person uses to intimidate and manipulate another. They are destructive and dangerous. Every year, thousands of people are seriously hurt or killed by someone who says “I Love You.” It is equally important to understand the abuse is not about you or anything you do; it’s about your partner and their choices. Furthermore, you alone cannot change the abusive behavior. However, if your partner is able to get some long term professional help they can change.
W a r n i n g s i g n s i n c l u d e...
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Excessively critical of everything you do.
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Constant jealousy and controlling, accuses you of being flirtatious.
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Isolation from family/friends, insistent that you spend all your time together.
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Extreme anger and making crazy statements.
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Destruction of your property, opening your mail, reading your instant messages, taking your cell phone to monitor who you call or who calls you.
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Intimidation, punching holes in the wall, restraining you from leaving a room.
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Forced sex, making fun of your body sexually.
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Physical violence: slapping, pinching, shoving, hitting, kicking, punching, etc.
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Using your race, age, sexual identity, gender identity or transition, immigration status, class, body size or appearance, religion, HIV status, etc. against you.
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Threatening to harm you - “If you ever leave me I will kill you.”
 Abuse or battering is a pattern of behavior where one person tries to control the thoughts, beliefs or conduct of an intimate partner. Battering, also called domestic violence and dating violence, happens in straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual and transgender communities. It crosses all social, ethnic, racial and economic lines. An individual's size, strength, politics or personality does not determine whether he or she could be considered a batterer. Not every abuser is physically violent. If you are in a relationship and have never been hit but do not feel safe to express your feelings, you can still be in an abusive relationship.
Verbal Abuse consists of derogatory comments, insults and put-downs. Being told you are physically unattractive, inferior, incompetent, incapable of succeeding, and/or told you are not a good parent or partner is abusive. Over time, this constant humiliation will destroy your belief in yourself and severely affect your self-esteem. You may begin to believe the abusive descriptions as if they were true and may start to believe that you are worthless, unworthy of love, and that the violence is your fault. You must remember no one deserves to be abused, and the responsibility for the violence lies solely with the abuser. One victim wrote:
"After continual harassment one reaches the point of complete lack of self-confidence. There must be something wrong with me or else I would not be treated in this way... I was reduced from an intelligent, professional woman to a confused drained wreck in a very short time."
"Verbal abuse also includes threats of physical violence and violent verbal outbursts." (Family Violence Professional Education Taskforce, 1991, p.63) Threats are a very common form of verbal abuse aimed at terrorizing the victim to such an extent that the abuser is in total control. Threats to kill a partner if he/she ever leaves are often reported by victims of domestic violence.
Physical Abuse: It is easy for most people to recognize physical abuse. Not all batterers use physical abuse to control their partner. Often when a batterer physically abuses, they will say things like: “If I really wanted to hurt you, you would know it” or “I was drunk and don’t remember” or “I was only trying to get you to listen.”
There are many forms of physical abuse including:
Ø Pushing or shoving;
Ø Grabbing;
Ø Pinching or biting;
Ø Locking you out of the house or leaving you in dangerous places;
Ø Forcing you off the road or driving recklessly;
Ø Strangling or smothering;
Ø Restraining or confining;
Ø Assaulting with a weapon; or
Ø Hitting with a belt or other object.
Physical abuse is a crime and if you are being physically abused, you should always call the police and document your injuries.
Stalking: Stalking is a crime and can be extremely frightening and intrusive in a person’s life. Stalking may play a role in domestic violence cases when the offender feels he has lost control or is about to lose control of the victim. The offender may begin stalking to get the victim back, to get revenge, or out of psychological dependency on the victim. If you are being stalked, notify law enforcement for help. In addition:
► DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT
- Keep notes in a day timer regarding when the calls come in.
- Keep track with tally marks in your day timer to record how many times the stalker calls you each day.
- Keep tapes of all the calls if possible.
- Keep all e-mails sent.
- Journal any threats.
THIS IS CRITICAL – LET IT START TODAY. If you ever need to pursue a protection order, documentation will prove invaluable.
► Block the stalker’s number at your office and home, wherever s/he might call you. If the stalker’s call comes through, do not engage in conversation. The stalker’s goal is to engage you and monitor you in any way possible.
► If possible, get a second phone line or new cell phone, one that the stalker doesn’t know about. Give your new number only to a select few contacts. Let the stalker continue calling the old number. Tape all messages s/he leaves you.
► Everyone you know who also knows the stalker must give him/her the same messages:
- Stop calling. S/he doesn’t want contact with you.
- Stop harassing. (Don’t call it stalking to the person’s face – it sounds extreme and it will be too easy for him/her to say: “I’m not a stalker” and ignore the message.)
- Your relationship is over.
Physical abuse is a crime and if you are being physically abused, you should always call the police and document your injuries.
Stalking: Stalking is a crime and can be extremely frightening and intrusive in a person’s life. Stalking may play a role in domestic violence cases when the offender feels he has lost control or is about to lose control of the victim. The offender may begin stalking to get the victim back, to get revenge, or out of psychological dependency on the victim. If you are being stalked, notify law enforcement for help. In addition:
► DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT
1. Keep notes in a day timer regarding when the calls come in.
2. Keep track with tally marks in your day timer to record how many times the stalker calls you each day.
3. Keep tapes of all the calls if possible
4. Keep all e-mails sent.
5. Journal any threats.
THIS IS CRITICAL – LET IT START TODAY. If you ever need to pursue a protection order, documentation will prove invaluable.
► Block the stalker’s number at your office and home, wherever s/he might call you. If the stalker’s call comes through, do not engage in conversation. The stalker’s goal is to engage you and monitor you in any way possible.
► If possible, get a second phone line or new cell phone, one that the stalker doesn’t know about. Give your new number only to a select few contacts. Let the stalker continue calling the old number. Tape all messages s/he leaves you.
► Everyone you know who also knows the stalker must give him/her the same messages:
1. Stop calling. S/he doesn’t want contact with you.
2. Stop harassing. (Don’t call it stalking to the person’s face – it sounds extreme and it will be too easy for him/her to say: “I’m not a stalker” and ignore the message.)
3. Your relationship is over.
► Consider letting your employer and co-workers know what is happening and that the stalker may show up at your office. Have a plan in place if this happens.
Sexual Abuse: sexual abuse can include:
Did You Know?
MYTH 1
Battering is only a momentary loss of temper.
FACT
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Battering is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through violence and other forms of abuse. The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors, including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, etc. to coerce and to control the other person. The violence may not happen often, but it remains as a hidden (and constant) terrorizing factor. (Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1990)
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One in five women victimized by their spouses or ex-spouses report they had been victimized over and over again by the same person. (The Basics of Batterer Treatment, Common Purpose, Inc., Jamaica Plain, MA)
MYTH 2
Domestic violence only occurs in poor, urban areas.
FACT
- Women of all cultures, races, occupations, income levels, and ages are battered - by husbands, boyfriends, lovers and partners. (Surgeon General Antonia Novello, as quoted in Domestic Violence: Battered Women, publication of the Reference Department of the Cambridge Public Library, Cambridge, MA)
- Approximately one-third of the men counseled (for battering) at Emerge are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and their communities. These have included doctors, psychologists, lawyers, ministers, and business executives. (For Shelter and Beyond, Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women Service Groups, Boston, MA 1990)
MYTH 4
It is easy for battered women to leave their abuser.
FACT
- Victims of domestic violence have valid, logical reasons for remaining in abusive relationships longer than society thinks they should. Victims may be balancing housing, financial, medical, transportation, religious, cultural, and basic survival needs with leaving.
- Women who leave their batterers are at a 75% greater risk of being killed by the batterer than those who stay. (Barbara Hart, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1988)
- Nationally, 50 percent of all homeless women and children are on the streets because of violence in the home. (Senator Joseph Biden, U.S. Senate Committee on the Judiciary, Violence Against Women: Victims of the System, 1991)
- There are nearly three times as many animal shelters in the United States as there are shelters for battered women and their children. (Senate Judiciary Hearings, Violence Against Women Act, 1990)
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